HANG-OVER

So this is how it feels when you take Lipovitan and drink beer at the same time. A friend who brews beer for SMB puts it this way: Malilito ang puso mo. Not that I tried it literally. But what I'm going through right now can be likened to it. One moment, I am so elated with the thought that I'm finally learning to let go. The next moment, I'm so convinced that I should hold on to what I feel because it's the one thing that makes me happy these days. And ironically, at times, even the confusion seems comforting. A good friend told me that perhaps I'm not yet ready to move on and that I shouldn't force myself to do it because it will only be counter- productive. Makes sense to me. So I just let myself feel what I want to feel whenever I want it. Sometimes, I go overboard and allow myself to hope. Most of the time, however, I am my usual objective, realistic,proper self. Which means that I always remind myself that the worst thing I can do to myself is to let my feelings fester until I reach the point where forgetting becomes even harder. I do this on a daily basis. Because this time, I dont' need to drink beer to know that this love affair is the world's worst hang-over.

IT'S NOT THE SAME

If someone will ask me how I am doing now in my current RDL, I only have this to say: It's not the same.
For one thing, the 19th annotation is much longer and more detailed and hence, more emotionally draining than the 18th. For another, I couldn't focus too much on it at this point, knowing that I have a pending heartache to deal with and for some reason, going through the RDL is a sad reminder of the cause of this heartache. So unlike last year when I looked forward to every prayer session every morning, I now find myself making excuses for not doing the spiritual exercises regularly. But I still do them, anyway. And by the end of my prayer time, I feel that I have failed because I'm realizing that the issues which I thought were addressed during my 18th annotation are still manifesting themselves in different forms this time around. So i start feeling hopeless and tired and uninspired. And I dread going to my sessions because I know that my new SD can see right through me and figure out that I'm not gaining any progress in my exercises.
I really hoped before that my RDL would be the start of something good. It's too early to predict otherwise but judging from my current state, I know that it will take a lot of grace from God for me to hit my strides this time around. My only consolation is that I still have 33 weeks to gain progress. And a whole lifetime to reform. May God bless me, indeed.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARDS

I spoke too soon.
Just when I thought I knew what I want and that I was on the brink of getting it, I realized that my heart was telling me otherwise.
The thing with having to make a decision is that it necessarily entails saying no to something else. It's very rare that you get to choose something and still claim your stake on another thing. So even though you are not yet ready to bid something goodbye, you simply have to because the other thing you're saying yes to wouldn't allow room for other options.
I am, of course, talking about my career.
The idea of undergoing a career discernment came when I felt a stirring in my heart to take on more responsibilities in my work. I felt that I was under-achieving and that all of my law school blockmates were already making a name for themselves while I remain a court attorney of not even the highest court of the land. What I overlooked, however, was how unprepared I was for the many options that await me. It's a good problem, as a friend would say. For, unlike others who are having difficulties finding a job, I have the pleasure of actually weighing my options. But it's a problem just the same. As I've said, I am totally unprepared to move out of what's familiar and plunge into what promises to be a tough grind ahead. And yet, there are days when I get all worked up and excited with the thought of taking on new challenges that I get so bored going through the motions in my current work. The heart is truly deceitful. And it works overtime at being such whenever decisions as crucial as these have to be made.
I'm supposed to end my discernment anytime soon. So far, however, the only thing that has become clear is that I still want to be in the legal profession and that my passion for the law has not subsided regardless of what it has made out of me through the years. I know I want to specialize and excel in a specific field. I know that God wants the best for me and He wants me to choose, not out of fear but out of love. I know that His mercy and goodness will chase me wherever I go and whatever I choose. I know all these in my mind and in my heart. But at the end of the day, I still haven't found the answer to this one question: what do I really want?
So I just sigh and say that after years of believing that I know what I want, it's now back to the drawing boards for me. And my heart, as I'm finding out, is so not ready.

THE MISSION

We called ourselves the druglords. In truth, however, that was our way of putting excitement to our assignment during Lingkod QC's medical mission last Sunday. In plain terms, we were assigned to distribute medicines to patients after their consultation with the real heroes of the event (i.e., the doctors).
It was my second med mission in two years. Like the first, this one was physically tiring and emotionally draining. Tiring because we couldn't even sit down for hours (reminder to self: be kind to the mercury drug ladies henceforth). Draining because on several occasions, I had to look away and hold back my tears because we already ran out of Metropolol and there were too many lolas in need of them who have expressed their financial incapability to buy some. When one lola pleaded that I give her something else, I defied the instruction not to give anything without a prescription and secretly gave her a box of multi-vitamins. With apologies to the organizers, I felt that it wasn't the time to be legalistic.
There's something about medical missions that leaves me with a feeling of uneasiness everytime I participate in one. Perhaps it's being confronted with the reality that poverty is real. So real in fact that the faces of the lolas and the sick babies I saw continued to haunt me even as I sipped my caramel frap during fellowship after the event. None of the lingkod brothers and sisters must have noticed this, as we even had a good laugh recalling the highlights of the day. But on my way home, I shared with Bambi and Tina that I've noticed how lately, God has been creating in me a heart for the poor and I don't know how I should respond to it. All I know as of now is that there's a stirring in my heart to do something for them and yet, I easily forget that the moment I go back to my sheltered, privileged life. After last night, however, I've resolved to take small steps towards this end. Maybe I'll save more so that I can give more to them this Christmas. Maybe I will be more compassionate to the streetkids I see outside our office. Maybe I should fast on the things I like and offer it up for their intentions. Or maybe, I should live simply so that others may simply live. There's a lot I can do. That much I know. Someone please remind me of this the next time I feel the urge to purchase yet another pair of shoes which I know I'll rarely wear, or buy my next caramel frap which adds nothing to my well-being, anyway. It's about time I start sharing my resources to these people. After all, it's not everyday that I get to play druglord and perform a direct act of kindness to those who are in need. When I die, I know I have to render an accounting to God of how I used every blessing He has given me. Sadly, considering the way I've lived so far, I know I have a lot to make up for.

DRIVING WITHOUT LICENSE

A funny thing happened on my way to Bukas Palad's concert two weeks ago. It was raining hard and the cab I was riding was stuck in traffic for almost an hour along Xavierville, a few meters from Ateneo where the concert was to be held. The taxi driver grew really impatient and kept going out of the cab in an effort to figure out what was causing the traffic. Finally, after minutes of complaining and cursing, he asked if I know how to drive. I reluctantly said "medyo" and to my surprise, he told me " sige, i-drive mo to, magtra-traffic ako sa kanto para umandar." Before I knew it, he was gone and left me to drive his (thankfully) new Vios without even ascertaining whether, one, I really know how to drive; and two, I have a valid driver's license. With no other choice but to drive (lest I earn the ire of all the drivers behind me), I transferred to the driver's seat and tried to recall everything I learned from driving school almost two years ago. When the car in front of me lurched forward, I was surprised to know that I could actually do the same. Inch by inch I drove, without even thinking of changing gears. Finally, after what seemed like forever ( four minutes to be exact), I finally reached the corner where the taxi driver was. I pulled the handbrake as fast as I could and told him to take over. He returned to the car nonchalantly, obviously not realizing the tension he subjected me to.
I recounted this experience to Gigi, Abby, Darleth and Ada after the concert and we all had a good laugh. Later that night, when I was recalling how it all happened, I realized that sometimes, all it takes is a fortuitous event for us to step up and do what we know we can do but have been putting off doing just because we are afraid. It sometimes helps that people who don't know us or have no idea what we are capable of, rely on us to pull it off. And after successfully doing it, it helps even more that we have people to share our stories with who can tell us that we have what it takes, if only we will trust ourselves more and forget our limitations.
The Bukas Palad concert we went to was superb, as expected. But as far as I'm concerned, the real highlight of the night was that funny incident that happened on my way to Ateneo. After that, I resolved to make it a habit to surprise myself every now and then. It probably won't happen often. But whenever I can, I know I should.

REALITY BITES

In the movie 'Reality Bites', the character of Ethan Hawke uttered a line which I have always hoped I'd be able to say to someone but never found the right person to say it to. Paraphrased, it goes something like this: "A cup of coffee, a good conversation. You and me and five bucks. That's all it takes to make me happy. That's all it takes."

It's September once again and I'm not surprised that I'm remembering this now. Same time last year, I found the one person I can finally say these words to. Same time this year, that person is gone.

There's nothing more to write about. That part of my life, I know, has ended long before I was able to acknowledge the signs of its ending. And so last week, with very few memories to get me by, I finally decided to put an end to this long overdrawn battle between letting go and holding on. The decision to move on actually came as a surprise even to me. Just a week before, Mamai asked me if I have moved on and I told her with shameless glee that I wasn't even trying. But last Thursday, after my first meeting with my new SD, my rude awakening finally came. And just like that, I felt that I had to move on. I told myself I deserve better. That good things are about to happen. That someone else will come along to compensate for this loss. That it's time to pick up the pieces.

But sometimes, I love being tragic. And the above lines which I repeatedly tell myself provide cold comfort during nights when I am reminded of what I really want and why I couldn't get it. You would think that at my age, I would know how to deal with this. You would think that with four years of law school and six years of law practice, I would be more logical in approaching this concern. Well, I am not. And sometimes, not even my Lingkod formation is enough to convince me that I must put an end to this hopeless situation I am in.

My true comfort, however, is the knowledge that God loves me. And the realization of how that love becomes even more real during times like this is enough to make me joyful.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, according to the psalm. Tonight of all nights, I choose to believe that.