WHY I STOPPED DOING LITIGATION

These are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet
while these exchanges were actually taking place. 
            ATTORNEY : When is your birthday? 
            WITNESS : July 18th. 
            ATTORNEY : What year? 
            WITNESS : Every year. 
            ____________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact? 
          WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
           _____________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
 your memory at all? 
           WITNESS : Yes. 
           ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your
 memory? 
           WITNESS : I forget. 
           ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example
 of something you forgot? 
           ___________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living
 with you? 
           WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
 can't remember which. 
           ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you? 
           WITNESS : Forty-five years. 
          _________________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband
 said to you that morning? 
           WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 
           ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you? 
           WITNESS : My name is Susan. 
           ______________________________________ 
           
           ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that
 when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
 it until the next morning? 
           WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
           ___________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one
 year-old, how old is he? 
           WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one. 
           ________________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was
 taken? 
           WITNESS : Would you repeat the question? 
           ______________________________________ 
           
           ATTORNEY : She had three children, right? 
           WITNESS : Yes. 
           ATTORNEY : How many were boys? 
           WITNESS : None. 
           ATTORNEY : Were there any girls? 
           ______________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage
 terminated? 
           WITNESS : By death. 
           ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated? 
           ______________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual? 
           WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a
 beard. 
           ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female? 
           ______________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning
 pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
 attorney? 
           WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to
 work. 
           ______________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies
 have you performed on dead people? 
           WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead
 people. 
           ______________________________________ 
           
           ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you
 examined the body? 
           WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. 
           ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
           WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table
 wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 
           ______________________________________ 
           ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine
 sample? 
           WITNESS : Huh? 
           ______________________________________ 
           As for the last!!! 
           ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the
 autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
           WITNESS : No. 
           ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure? 
           WITNESS : No. 
           ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing? 
           WITNESS : No. 
           ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the
 patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
           WITNESS : No. 
           ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
           WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my
 desk in a jar. 
           ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been
 alive, nevertheless? 
           WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have
 been alive and practicing law.