My boss is a recipient of the Ulirang Ina Award this year and because of this, she asked me to compose a write-up about her to be submitted to the Ulirang Ina Awards Committee. While I have no qualms doing her this favor, I realized that I, too, should be writing something about my own mother who may not be a recipient of such award but who, in my book, is the best mom in the whole world.
Mama, this one's for you:

I'D CHOOSE HER STILL

She introduced me to God and to the joys of praying. That alone would have been enough accomplishment for her because when you think about it, it's the only thing I need in order to survive and succeed. But aside from this, she also took time to teach me the small things I needed to learn as I was growing up: Do your assignments faithfully. Be kind to your playmates. Share a seat with your busmates. Finish your food. Take care of your younger brother. Respect your elder sister. Throw your trash properly. Don't say bad words. Be polite. Don't lie. Take a nap. Know your proper place.

And then as I matured, she taught me the more essential things in life: Be kind to people regardless of their status, age or rank. Accept others despite their shortcomings. Forgive. Let go. Ask for help when you need it but learn how to depend on yourself. Set your heart on something. Forgive again.

Now, as an adult, it amazes me how I can still learn a lot from her: Don't measure yourself based on your achievements but based on your identity as God's daughter. Learn to love yourself on a daily basis. Learn to accept God's love and believe that He has plans for you. Forget your emotional programs for happiness and just let God enthrall you. Be humble at all times. Know that while you are good, you are not meant to have everything you want because nobody is. You have your whole life ahead of you so forget the pains of the past. Be patient with others but moreso, with yourself. Have faith in your God.

I've probably heard most of these things from other people but when they come from her, these words take on a special meaning, not because she's my mother, but because I know that she knows me. She knows when I'm happy or I'm just pretending to be. She knows when I'm not comfortable or when I'm distracted or indifferent. She knows when I'm tired and lonely or when I couldn't contain my excitement. She knows when I'm contented or dissatisfied, or when I'm being principled or just being stubborn. She knows all these in a way that only a mother can. And she deals with me in all of these situations in way that only a loving mother can. She tells me what to do but respects my decision. She argues with me but commends me for my principles. She points out my mistakes but stays on my side. She reprimands me for my behavior but understands where I'm coming from. She encourages me but objectively points out my limitations. She knows all my flaws but loves me just the same.

I know I'll never be able to thank her enough. My only hope is that the person I have become will be enough consolation for all the things she had to endure while raising me. She once pointed out to me that though God has given us free will, there are two things He didn't leave for us to choose: our parents and our children. The wisdom behind this, she said, is because only God knows if a particular person is the best parent for a particular child. I pondered on this and couldn't help but agree. Unfortunately, I'm not confident that I have what it takes to have my future children choose me. But then, I'm sure that if I could only be half as loving, half as dedicated, half as selflfess and half as caring as Mama has been to me, there's a good chance that they might. But as for me, I know I'd still choose Mama to be my mother over and over. Given my track record, that would be my best exercise of free will yet.

And so to Mama, I love you and Happy Mother's Day! Whoever invented this day did not do you justice because one day is certainly not enough to remember you and how special you are to me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, though I know it hasn't been easy. I know I have a lot to learn about accepting God's love but I'm slowly learning how because of the love you show me. May God bless your good heart.

WHERE WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE

"Here is where we are making a difference." (Or something like that)

I saw the above tagline in one of Mayor Hagedorn's billboards during my recent trip to Palawan. My good friend Rosa took a picture of me just before we entered the Underground River and kidded that my picture should replace that of Hagedorn's because I "looked fabulous" (her words, not mine) in the said picture.I know I never looked fabulous at any given time in my life but I'm posting this picture just the same on account of my recent life-changing decision to accept another service in my prayer community, Lingkod.And though I 'm not certain whether I'm capable of making a difference, I know that what and who I said yes to(i.e. Lingkod and God, respectively), are very much capable of doing so. And that, I believe, should compel me to at least try.

WHAT I'M MISSING

In his book “The Sacrament of the Present Moment”, Jean-Pierre De Caussade wrote that “(W)hat was best a moment ago is so no longer because it is removed from the divine will, which has passed on to be changed to form the duty to the next. And it is that duty, whatever that may be, that is now most sanctifying for the soul.”

While I do not dispute this thought, as it has in fact helped me move on from so many attachments from the past, I often find myself waxing nostalgic over events, people and things that used to be part of my life but are no longer so.

On this note, let me indulge myself and be as sentimental as I can get on this humid yet drizzling Sunday afternoon as April approaches May. These are the things which I used to enjoy and take for granted (or even complain about) but would give anything to have in my life back all over again…

1. The long commute from our house to UP everyday--- during which my most profound realization in life was developed (i.e. I’ll never cram again!)

2. My law firm life--- What I’d give to be able to say these lines once more: To the judge: “Good Morning your honor, Atty. Marie Gay Alessandra V. Ordenes, respectfully appearing for the defendant.” Or to a client: “ Let me get back to you on that” Or to my secretary: “Please tell HPP na DND si GVO” or to a friend “This due diligence is killing me!” I love my present job, but there are days when the law firm life (including all the drama and prestige that go with it) still beckons.

3. My dorm --- It’s three tumblings from the UP chapel, two from the UP Film Center and a few steps away from the best isaw in town. Enough said.

4. APSM tambayan--- Where my life-long friendships were forged.

5. Overnights at Wendy’s--- Where I finally understood Nego

6. Fellowships with my brothers and sisters from Lingkod QC--- Where I experienced so much joy that remains unparalleled until now

7. My JGLaw barkada--- We were young and shooting the breeze was a priority because we didn’t know any better

8. Driving home to Cavite with Ate and RJ--- Gas was P28 per litre, Daanghari was still being constructed, travel time was almost 3 hours, but the bonding with my siblings more than made up for it.

9. Coming home on a rainy afternoon to a house with warm food prepared by Mama--- Those two years of high school in Mindoro were the best of times

10. Prayer meetings with Lingkod QC--- Where God was so real and so close.

11. Sweet Dreams pocket books--- Because they remind me that love can be pure and uncomplicated

12. Koreanovelas--- supra ;)

13. Sleeping on a hammock by the beach in my hometown Mindoro--- When was the last time I slept uninterrupted?

14. Morning prayers at JH--- When the first order of the day was praising God

15. Coney Island Ice Cream--- as well as Coney Island, the PBA team

16. Having an excuse for being reckless

17. Being told that I can still take risks

18. The times when summer really meant vacation

19. Having the luxury to commit mistakes and have someone else fix them for me

20. Believing that I can still do anything I set my heart on

The bottomline, I guess, is that I miss being young. And though Ive been told that 33 is not too old and that I can still hope that the best is yet to come, it’s so tempting to think that the best of my life has passed me by, even as I silently hope that isn’t true.

Incidentally, I was doing my summer cleaning the other day and came across a grad pic given by my law school best friend Kat, on which she wrote: ‘Soon, these will be the good old days.’ I realized that it’s been eight years since we graduated from UP Law and true enough, those are now just the good old days. And yes, the present moment will likewise soon become the good old days.

Whether I like it or not.

It must have been (yet another unrequited) love

We met in Katipunan a few years ago. Since I'm from UP and he's from the "other"school, I suspected that it won't be such a good match. Besides, I was recovering from a heartache at that time and finding another one was the last thing on my mind. So imagine my surprise when he turned out to be different. For one, he was simple---so unlike all the "others" that I know. For another, he was smart and godly. which is now a rare combination, if you ask me.

And so we met and hit it off at once. Our conversations were meaningful but fun; our chemistry palpable yet subtle. Of course, he never admitted that he liked me. He couldn't have. But at that time, it didn't matter. Being together was enough. Besides, I told myself that this is about love. And as Nora Ephron would say: any story about love begins with a certain amount of rationalization. So true to form, I did rationalize that our apparent differences notwithstanding, there was no reason why we couldn't end up together. After all, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is hope even for the most hopeless. And though I happen to know that Nora Ephron also said that unrequited love is such a bore, I was just too giddy to care. Of course, I wasn't bored. I was in love! Never mind if he never texted on special occasions or bothered to update me about his life. It was enough that he was there to make me feel good about myself when it mattered most. I was oblivious to his indifference, confident that in time, he'd find a way to express how he felt towards me.

Until last week.

I got sick and was rushed to the ER due to severe back pains which immobilized me for a couple of days. But when I told him about it, all I got was a perfunctory reply that was even more perfunctory than some of my officemates' reaction when I told them the same thing.

And if only for that, I stopped being in love.

I figured, I couldn't possibly stay in love with someone who doesn't care, never mind if he did care at one point and might eventually care in the future. I couldn't possibly stay in love with someone who doesn't even bother to check on me despite knowing my condition, even though he claims to remember me from time to time. I couldn't possibly stay in love with someone who isn't here now, even if in the future, he could be here again. Who was it who said that "the future and its possibilities provide cold comfort for a tired and broken heart"?

So I therefore conclude that unrequited love is not just a bore. It's worse than that. It's a non-story. In the end, it's just one person trying to make sense of something that's never meant to make any sense in the first place. It's one pathetic heart insisting that it is joined by another, only to discover that such other was never on board. It's what happens when you delude yourself into thinking that a good love story can still happen even when all your past experiences point to the contrary. It's two people who were never on the same page of the same chapter of the same book.

So I'm out of love and as my close friends would say: what's new? I've been out of love for almost a week now and though there had been relapses, I'm pretty proud of how I've carried on. I had coffee alone last night and felt nothing. And though I still palpitate at the sight of a blue jacket that looks exactly like his, I tell myself that even that is understandable. After all, love, though unrequited, takes time to heal. And that remains true even if it's your third unrequited love in the last five years.

No wonder I'm so bored.