PORTRAIT OF A TELENOVELA LAWYER

( I WROTE THIS A FEW YEARS AGO FOR MY PREVIOUS LAW FIRM'S NEWSLETTER)

If you belong to 85% of the Philippine population whose idea of nighttime relaxation is watching yet another telenovela, then you will agree with me that there is so much injustice being done to the legal profession with the way they depict us in these shows.

A female lawyer is often portrayed as a strong-willed, ferocious, ugly creature who never objects to the questions of the opposing counsel at the proper time and who offers her clients motherly advice more than legal counsel. If he is a male lawyer, he is either an old, corrupt, scheming character who exchanges the cause of his client with the show’s sexy starlet, or he is a teen idol who babbles worn-out legal maxims in a pathetic attempt to sound scholarly. Such characters may be colorful but, in the wholesale fashion they are created, they become boring.

On any given day, perhaps 6 out of 10 telenovelas will have a court scene and 100% of the time, their scripts are so inaccurate and poorly researched that you’re always tempted to file a defamation suit against their producers for their reckless portrayal of lawyers. Not that lawyers are saints or sages, but they are infinitely more complex beings than the colorless caricatures they are being essayed on TV.

The danger is that to the uninformed, these telenovelas give the impression that lawyering is not such a big deal and that courtroom dramas are just cheap thrills. But they aren’t. There is so much preparation that goes behind a hearing. Case theories are not developed overnight, over a bottle of wine and steak, with the lead lawyer uttering heavy sounding phrases such as “everyone’s entitled to a good defense” or “ a person is innocent until proven guilty.”

A few nights ago, I chanced upon an episode of a leading drama series where the lead actor was supposedly preparing for a trial of a big case. After hearing his rhetorics, I was reminded of my days as an intern of the Office of Legal Aid of the UP College Law where, for the first time, I was confronted with the reality that lawyering is not just about prestige. It’s not just about wearing suits or meeting impressive clients. It is also those things, true, but much more. It’s about studying cases through the night. It’s about waking up early to make it to your morning hearing and rushing back to your office to meet a deadline while the booboos of your cross-examination still hang over your head. But this seemingly routine activities will not probably increase TV ratings. Hence, they are not included in the scripts.

During the impeachment trial of ex-president Estrada, we thought that educating the public about the law and the legal system wasn’t so impossible after all. For a while there, people were interested not only in legal rhetorics but in real legal action. Soon, however, things went back to normal and the primetime slots on TV again bombarded us with un-educational telenovelas. All attempts to legally educate the public were wiped out by the media’s inaccurate portrayal of the legal profession. Maybe they will cite “cinematic license” as excuse. But, in our lingo, that only “mitigates” but does not “justify” the “crime”.

And so we lawyers have to contend with the fact that our image as conjured by the TV viewing public is far from the real lives that we lead. Our only hope is that we have intelligent clients who certainly do not believe that like what they see on TV, appeals are decided in a week’s time or that all it takes to win a case is to have a star witness who can emote before a judge, or that the number of times you object in court is the sole gauge of your competence as a lawyer.

I guess the whole point of this article is that in stark contrast to the lawyer characters on telenovelas, we who have been truly admitted to the Bar are leading more complicated (if not really more exciting) lives. We wake up with our client’s cause in our mind and we sleep at night-- or at least attempt to—with the nagging thought that one small mistake could spell the difference between a case won and a case lost. We take our work to heart and as much as possible, despite the limitations imposed on us, we try to live our lives in a manner that is our worthy of our calling. Others may not see this aspect of lawyering in the TV shows they watch and that sometimes frustrates us. To paraphrase my law professor when he welcomed our batch in UP law: lawyering is a complicated but a thankless yet gratifying job. Most of the time, others don’t see it. They fail to see beyond the prestige and don’t understand what it takes just to have those four neat letters “atty” attached to their names.

Remembering this now, I realize that considering all the stress and the sleepless nights that we have to put up with, the early morning hearings, the volume of coffee we take just to keep us awake, the pleadings we desperately try to finish and all the efforts we exert just to be in this profession, a lawyer’s life is worth living. It’s a life that may not be instantly successful, but nonetheless one that is infinitely more challenging.

MY BCLMC EXPERIENCE

The conference I attended in Cebu a few days ago was officially called BCLMC. I can't exactly remember what it stands for. I don't think anybody does. What I do remember, however, is how the event has changed the way I see my life now that I'm serving in another capacity.

The BCLMC is the annual gathering of leaders from Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon (ALNP), the prayer community of which I am part, and of Christ's Youth in Action (CYA). Its objective is to train us by giving inputs on how to effectively lead our respective communities. As it was already my third BCLMC, I came with very few expectations. I was so tired the night before I left that I didn't want to go anymore. From my dinner with Abby, I went home,checked my mail, had a chat with my mom, packed, took a bath and attempted to sleep. But before i knew it, it was already 2:30 am and Anthony was already outside our gate to pick me up for my 4 am flight. Thus, I went to the BCLMC without sleeping even a wink. Talk about a bad start.

To make things worse, I had no one to talk to in the airport because Anthony took the PAL flight along with the rest of the ALNP brothers and sisters, while I took Cebu Pacific. I attempted to sleep but to no avail. Later, I saw Binx and Darwin of Lingkod Baguio who were taking the same flight as mine. I was amazed at how Binx could still carry a conversation, considering that they had to travel from Baguio to Manila for six hours. I, on the other hand was sleepy, tired and cranky. The only thing I was looking forward to was catching some sleep in the plane, which, unfortunately, I wasn't able to do.

When we reached Cebu an hour and a half later, I still haven't slept a wink. The ride to the venue took at least 45 minutes. By the time we got there, I was so spent , such that when they told us that there were no available rooms yet, I decided to sleep on the bench beside the pool instead. Marlon was kind enough to offer us breakfast but not even my grumbling stomach could stop me from closing my eyes. When I lied down, I began to dread the conference, knowing that it would require so much work. I tried to console myself by saying that at least, the worst part of the trip, i.e., my 4am flight , was over. What i didn't realize at that time was that not only was the worst part of the trip over, but that the best part of it was yet to come.

And it did come in ways I never expected.

If this blog post took a week for me to write, it's because I couldn't find the right words to describe how the whole experience had been for me. In simple terms, it was what I needed in order to resolve some of my long-standing issues with God. In one of the morning prayer sessions, I asked God how and why I reached this point in my journey with him. I asked, perhaps even questioned him, why, despite my reservations, it appears to be one service after another for me. I was expecting Him to answer by revealing His plans and by telling me that He wants to use me to further to advance his kingdom, But that wasn't the answer I got. Instead, He led me to Psalm 23 which states: "The Lord is my shepherd,He makes me sit beside still waters. He leads me to paths of righteousness." In effect, God told me: You are here because this is your still waters. You are here because this is your path towards righteousness.

Upon hearing this,my mind raced back to the times I was so tired and disheartened with my service and how God still proved to be faithful in the end. I remembered how i had to forgo sleep during conferences because a sister was asking for a one-to-one over a seemingly hopeless concern. I remembered the nights I had to go home late alone because I had to attend yet another meeting for yet another Lingkod activity. I remembered the times I had to choose between a lucrative career and a fruitful service and how I joyfully chose the latter because that was what my heart was telling me to do. I remembered all these and assessed the kind of person I have become because of them. Then, I couldn't help but agree that this,indeed, is my path to righteousness.

I ended the BCLMC without having been able to make up for all my lost sleep. As expected, I had to sleep late all the nights I was there because I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my friends. But I was too happy to care. My spirit was filled and my heart was overflowing with so much joy that when Sunday came, I found myself longing for more.

A Lingkod brother ( I think it was Ted) once said that when the eyes see something beautiful, the heart takes a picture. If that is true, then my heart must have worked overtime all throughout the conference, as I tried to take in all the beauty that surrounded me. When I returned to Manila, I got a text from Nerry saying how happy she was to see me serve in this capacity. I texted back that I, too, was happy to realize that I am still where God wants me to be.

There are other things that can still be said about my BCLMC experience but for now, I will borrow the words of our national director Mon Samson in summing it all up: I am tired but satisfied. And if I may add, I am weary, yet hopeful; burdened, yet joyful. This is one of those occasions when I can say with heartfelt sincerity that goodness and mercy continue to chase me. Truly, my cup overflows.

WHAT CHOCOLATES CAN DO

Most known fact about me: I LOVE CHOCOLATES! I love it so much that sometimes, I entertain the thought of confessing it to Father Rudy. A Lingkod brother once teased me that if there's one thing that would prolong my stay in the purgatory, it would be my obssession with chocolates.

Which is why I'm a staunch believer that every child, regardless of social status, should have a taste of quality chocolates every now and then. Which is why when Rosa told me that she promised her “adopted” boys from Tuloy sa Don Bosco that she would give them chocolates as an incentive for doing their assignments well, I didn't hesitate to give my fair share.

What I wasn't excpecting, however, was how such a small and seemingly insignificant gesture would merit such a sweet response from these boys. I got a card from them today and I must admit, their words of thanksgiving touched me no end. Here's what they wrote (quoted verbatim):

"We are so great to have your special gift for us even though we haven't meet yet. I'm pretty sure you have affection for us. We are always praying for your wishes and commitment in life. Showing our gratitude we will make your wish to be granted by our faithful prayer." --- Jerome

" First, I want to thank you for the food even though that is a simple things only. We are happy about that so i dedicate to you my prayer that I hope you will commit the kingdom of God."--- Rino

" Thank you for giving chocolate. I will pray to you."--- Jay

And this, from my favorite kid named Jhon loyd (yes, that's how his name is spelled): " Thank you for the chocolate to award us when we memorize our script. We will pray to you during the rosary or when we prayer. I hope you are a good healthy."

Major cute, right? To the tuloy boys, the truth is, I should be the one thanking you for your touching words. I will keep you in my prayers. And for those who want to join the chocolate fund drive and make these wonderful boys happy, (calling all chocoholics out there!), just let me know and I'll tell you how.

NON-LEGAL MATTERS

I got a call from my law school blockmate Fred a week ago who told me that he chanced upon my blog. He asked whether I have a separate blog for legal matters, to which I replied, “What legal matters?”

It's not that I don't love the law, because I do. Really. I'd like to think that my work is a reflection of that. It's just that writing about the law, which is actually what I do eight hours a day as a court attorney, isn't exactly my idea of fun. So while I do have my own opinion about the recent cease and desist order issued by the SEC against Meralco's stockholders, and while I so want to refute the legislator who made a statement in the papers today that there's nothing wrong with the AMLA ( my experience of handling cases of this nature could very well prove him wrong!), far be it from me to blog about such things.

My only explanation is this: The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

(Having said that, I recommend that you check Fred's article [he's among my contacts] about blogging and libel which, I think would be an interesting read for all bloggers out there.)

WHAT BREAKS MY HEART

I watched the concert of Hillsong United at the Araneta Coliseum last night. As it was my first time to watch a worship concert, I braced myself for an earth-shaking, heart-moving experience. In this respect, I was not disappointed.

The first thing that caught my attention was the number of people who watched the concert. I remember telling Sheila how surprised I was to see so many people,most of them young, eagerly lining up for the concert. I was extremely happy to realize that there are a good number of young Christians, after all. And I was even happier to realize that we could add more to this number, given the right opportunity.

But what really struck me and what ultimately defined the night for me were these words from one of the songs that the group sang: Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.

Upon hearing this, I realized that it is a blessing to grieve for the same things that God grieves for. Di bale nang malungkot ako kung ang ikinalulungkot ko ay ang mga bagay na ikinalulungkot din ni Kristo.

I pondered on this last night and during my prayer time this morning. I ran through my head a list of the things I'm often sad about and I wondered how far my grievances could actually be from the things that cause grief to my God. I was about to indulge in some self-loathing when I felt the Lord telling me: What breaks your heart, my daughter, also breaks mine. What pains you pains me as well.

How does one respond to that?

Indeed, how does one respond to such love?

I could only bow my head in awe and reverence to the one God who, I am convinced, is not only moved by my grief but even joins me in them. To the Father who not only takes note of my sorrows but keeps a vial of my tears and stores them in heaven. To the Saviour who turns my mourning into dancing. To Jesus who, before wiping my tears, first chooses to weep with me. To my Lord who makes all things new.

Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that God really cares for me.

Far beyond my own understanding.

MY PRAYER

Last night was an eye-opener for me. I gave a talk to the participants of Ligaya's UD household. One sister shared that she would gladly go through all the painful experiences in her life all over again if it means knowing the Lord even more. Upon hearing this, I asked myself if I can say the same thing. And the jaded, critical, bitter me knew that I would answer in the negative.

I'm no stranger to pain. Some pains are worse than the others; most are lingering without any hope of seeing their ending. Some are easy to accept. Others, I am sure, are serving a purpose although I have yet to find out what they are. At a certain point, I've stopped asking God why they had to happen. I figured, I shouldn't question God's ways. After all, between the two of us, He's the one who sees the bigger picture. There's no point complaining. I tell myself that this is the right attitude---a total act of surrender and abandonment. As long as I accept whatever God sends my way, I'll be okay.

What I haven't been paying attention to, however, was the resentment that was starting to grow within me. The truth is, I'm not always okay. There are times when I want to demand an explanation from God. In fact, when I heard the sister share about her pains and how she experiences God amidst her sufferings, I couldn't help but think that maybe, God is playing favorites. And most of the time He chooses to bless everyone but me.

Of course, I know how twisted this thinking is. What amazes me is how God never stops showing me how false my notions are. Last night, He dealt with me through a prayer that one of the sisters shared. When she said that she remembered me when she was praying yesterday morning and was moved to invite me to their household, I knew at once that it was God's way of speaking to me, as it was in the same household where I encountered this beautiful prayer which really spoke to my heart. It is so appropriate to what I'm going through, I could have written it myself.

THE PRAYER OF AN EMPTY JAR

Jesus, I come to the warmth of your Presence
knowing that You are
the very emptiness of God.
I come before You
holding the water jar of my life.
Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.
I am too full.
This is my sickness
I am full of things
that crowd out
Your healing Presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see the painful truth.
I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
Your golden grace.
I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentment, control
full of self pity, and arrogance.
Slowly this terrible truth pierces my heart,
I am so full, there is no room for You.










Contemplatively, and with compassion,
You ask me to reach into my water jar.
One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.
I take each on to my heart,
I hear You asking me
" Why is this so important to you ? "

Like the murmur of a gentle stream
I hear You calling,
" Let go, let go, let go! "
I pray with each obstacle
tasting the bitterness and grief
it has caused.

Finally
I sit with my empty water jar
I hear you whisper
You have become a space for God
Now there is hope
Now you are ready to be a channel of Life.
You have given up your own agenda
There is nothing left but God.


Macrina Wiederkehr OSB. ( Prayer inspired by John 4 : 28 )

LET YOUR YES BE YES

"Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Anything beyond this is evil." (Mt. 5:37 )

I was gripped by the power of these words as I was going home from my meeting with the other BWMs last Thursday. After Mau introduced me to the group and the new service that I will be assuming effective June, the reality of what I said yes to began to sink in.

It's not that I don't want to serve. Three months of doing nothing has convinced me that serving in community is well within my system and that it's something I can't live without. It's just that sometimes, the magnitude of what I will be doing overwhelms me. As I recall those who have served in this same capacity---what they have done and what they have become--- I begin to feel more unworthy. Of course, I know the standard reply to all these concerns: “God anointed you. When He calls, He enables. Tap on His grace. You were called to serve for such a time as this.” I say the same thing to my sisters in Lingkod QC whenever I ask them to take on a new service. I suppose it's different, however, when you say it to yourself. Then, you need a lot of convincing.

So here I am, walking on new grounds, wondering what's in store. Upon lifting my anxieties to God, I was reminded of these words: “You did not choose me, I chose you.” This, from a God who knows me inside and out. Now I can say: All shall be well. Let my yes be yes.

I have no luxury.

I realized this over lunch today because my officemate was raving about her newly-acquired LV bag and my other officemate asked me "what about you, Gay? What's your luxury?" And I realized that I have none.

This could mean either one of two things: 1) I'm handling my finances well or 2) I'm spending on small but non-essential things which means that my money is going nowhere.

It's not that I don't know how to enjoy my money. Believe me, I do. But my heart protests whenever I spend too much on something. It probably has a lot to do with how I was raised. I grew up with just the bare necessities and even in school, I was always surrounded by people with simple lifestyles. I'm not passing any judgment on those who spend. As they say, to each his own. As I told my officemate, as long as her financial capacity allows her to meet her other obligations as they fall due, she won't hear anything from me. Besides, I do spend extravagantly on certain things. I once spent a week's worth of salary on books. I occasionally dine out in expensive restaurants with friends. And sometimes, I mindlessly buy a pair of shoes or a cute blouse just because I want to. But then again, how expensive can these things really get?

So at the rate I'm going, my officemate might probably be buying her 5th LV already and I would still be using my black nine west which I've had for the longest time. So I don't have any luxury. So what? Sometimes, it's called good financial stewardship.

REVISITING 'WHEN HARRY MET SALLY'

I saw the movie 'When Harry Met Sally' for the nth time today. I watched it again because first, it's one of my favorite movies for all time; second, because I've been reading Nora Ephron lately; and third, because a friend mentioned it over lunch a few weeks ago in his attempt to explain why things are the way they are right now between me and the person I used to like.

In the movie, the character of Billy Crystal theorized that men only make friends with women they are romantically interested in. My friend added that the only time a man can be friends with a woman is when their friendship is circumstantial (i.e., they're officemates or part of the same organization)

Though this didn't surprise me, given the strange way men think (and notice that I'm being extra careful with my words here), I still want to believe otherwise. You see, I want to believe that men are capable of understanding the concept of friendship in its truest, purest sense. I want to believe that a man can still look at a woman and see, not a potential partner, but a person worth knowing. I want to believe that even without any romantic intentions, they can still take interest in what we say because after all, not every conversation must necessarily end in courtship.

I shared my sentiments with another friend who remarked that perhaps, my idea is still plausible but only in my prayer community Lingkod where brothers are taught Christian manly character. I wanted to dispute her because as I've said, I still want to have faith in men in general. But I realized that I couldn't cite any specific person or situation to support my contention. So in the end, I had to concede.

Maybe there really is some logical explanation behind the theory posited in the movie and I'm better off accepting it. It's just that I can't possibly live in a world where Billy Crystal is right.

So someone PLEASE prove him wrong.

POETRY IN MOTION

Poetry in motion.

This phrase came to mind last Friday when I attended Lingkod QC's prayer meeting after three months of absence. I was expecting it to be just another prayer meeting. But then again, I should know that there is no such thing as just another prayer meeting. For, every single one is an encounter with God. And last Friday was another testament to that fact.


I told myself that maybe what made the worship extraordinary was the fact that we were joined by the CYAers who, owing to their young age, are known for their exuberance in praising God. Or maybe, it's because it was sort of a homecoming for me, because even though I have been attending Ligaya, there's still something different when you worship with your closest friends.

In the end, however, I know that nothing could account for last Friday's meaningful worship other than the truth that God was there. God was the reason for our every song of praise and for every hand that was raised. I don't know about the other brothers and sisters who were present last Friday but for me, seeing fifty people in a jampacked room with hands all raised together in an act of wholehearted worship was such a heart warming experience. A sight to behold, indeed.
Sheer poetry in motion.

Time Magazine reports that three bloggers have so far made it to the list of 100 Most Influential people: Michael Arrington, an attorney who became “ a kingmaker in the new tech world”, Arriana Huffington who was the first to make it to the list and Yoani Sanchez, the Cuban blogger who gained prominence simply by blogging about her country.

What I find amusing is how Huffington describes a quintessential blogger: intense, passionate, consumed with his subject, opinionated, sleep-deprived, forward-thinking, easy to irritate and apt to air his grudges in public. Not exactly words of compliment, if you ask me. And even if this is what it takes to land a slot in Time's list of most influential people, I'm still happy to say that it's so not me.

MY FAVORITE SISTER

If there's one thing I will always be thankful for, it's the fact that I have a sister. An older sister, to be exact.

Needless to state, I grew up with her. We shared the same bedroom all our lives. We attended the same schools, had the same school bus, shared the same fascination for the singing group Menudo (and all the other kabaduyans during the 80's), went to the PBA games together, traded secrets, doted over our younger brother RJ, etc. etc. I think the longest time we were separated physically was when she was still our parents' only child. Hence, it cannot be gainsaid that if there's one person who knows me all too well, it's her.

And yet, we're so different. She excels in Math; i had to drop Math 11. She's good in the arts; my greatest fear in grade school was art class. She's patient with RJ; I cross-examine him every chance I get. She can dance; I can try.

I'm saying all these not to put me down or to exalt her but to emphasize that two people can be so different yet get along so well. Even if she is your sister. Or rather, especially if she is your sister. Through the years, Ate and I have developed a language system that only the two of us can understand. We often joke that if other people read our cellphones, they'd be surprised at how we communicate with each other. We have private jokes and terminologies that no one else understands. And though we don't always think alike, we more or less know how the other would think under certain circumstances.

Sometimes, I ask myself if I have been a good sister to her as she has been to me. My childhood was filled with memories of Ate finishing an art assignment for me; of her bringing me food during recess because i couldn't go to the canteen to buy a cupcake without being boxed out by the taller kids; of her showing me around the UP campus and bringing me to my classrooms in AS when I was a wide-eyed freshman; and of the two of us trying new things together with her taking the lead. I can no longer count the number of times she allowed me to “bully” her with my wisecracks; the number of times she defended me and tried to explain my side to other people; or simply, the number of times she allowed me to take that last bite of our favorite chocolate. When I took the bar exams, Ate was the one who made sure I had a packed lunch every exam day and that my “bar stuff” were prepared for me correctly, down to the last detail.


Even in other matters, her good heart shows. I'm the one who's a member of a prayer community, yet she's the one who's more understanding and tolerant of other people's behavior. I'm the one who has experience in pastoring, yet she's the one RJ runs to for advice. I'm the lawyer in the family, but she's always the first one to take a stand against people who put us down.


My sister celebrated her birthday a few days ago. I'm writing this because I realized that I have honored all the sisters in Lingkod through the years but I never had the chance to honor the one person who, all these years, has been a sister to me in a very real sense.

So Ate, I honor you for being the best sister one can ever hope for. You know how much I hate being compared with you but at the same time, I'll be the first to admit that you do outdo me in a lot of things. Thank you for all those nights you listened to my stories about people you do not know and events you have no idea about, but choose to take interest in because I'm the one talking. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me or sometimes, for simply listening, knowing that I just need someone to talk to, never mind if I still make sense or not. Thank you for being supportive of my decision to take on more responsibilities in Lingkod even though that meant spending less and less time with you. Thank you for being there for Mama and Papa to compensate for my and Rj's absence. Thank you for being my number one fan, even to the extent of believing in our younger years that I can be a PBA anchorwoman and later on, for agreeing that I'll make a better lawyer instead. And thank you, most of all, for not pressuring me to be like you or to be someone I am not.

Not many people know that one of the reasons why I was able to serve in Lingkod with so much joy is that someone else was filling my cup of joy every time I go home after a tiring and challenging day. I may be the funny one in the family but Papa and Mama couldn't have been more correct when they named you Joy. I'm the one who can make them laugh but you're the one who can bring us joy just by your loving presence.

But before I wish you a happy birthday, allow me to make this confession: When we were kids, I always envied the fact that your birthday falls during summer because unlike mine, your birthday always meant a visit to the beach. (As an aside, imagine my disgust when when RJ was born in the month of April. My middle-child syndrome was aggravated by this factor!) Now that we are older, however, your birthday is something I always look forward to because it has become an occasion to remember one of my biggest blessings in life.

I'm sure you are reading this now with a lump on your throat and with tears welling up in your eyes. That is just so you. So I'll end here by saying this: Happy Birthday, favorite sister! We may be older but I''m thankful to still have you in my corner.

And as we say in Lingkod, the greatest gift I can give you are my prayers. That, and probably the cute blouse I promised you last week. ;)

WHAT I'VE BEEN FEEDING MY MIND LATELY...

My three-month leave from Lingkod QC has yielded but one benefit: being able to go home straight from work which means more time for myself, which translates into more time to read.

This is not a critique of the books I've read the past several months. Unfortunately, I was never good at writing critiques---something that not even Prof. Alex Magno's three-book reports-per-meeting-requirement in PolSci 163 has failed to address many years ago. That notwithstanding, here's my attempt to share what I have been feeding my mind lately.

1.With an Everlasting Love by William Barry, SJ.

Leave it to the Jesuits to write about God's love and His desires for us. This book led me right into the heart of God and gave me new insights on His words in Isaiah: I have loved you with an everlasting love. A must-read for those who know of God's love cognitively but want to learn more about it experientally.

2.The Seven Longings of the Human Heart by Mike Bickle and Deborah Heibert

This book discusses why we long for certain things and why God has ordained such longings. I particularly liked the author's reflections on Isaiah 61:1-3 where he explained how God takes all the ugliness in us and transforms it into something beautiful.

3. The Perfect Wife: the life and choices of Laura Bush by Ann Gerhart

I bought this book out of curiosity and was surprised to learn that the teachings we have in Lingkod (humble submission to our leaders, confidence in what we can contribute to the community, prioritizing relationships over functions and being true to how God has created us) are the same things that keep even the First Lady of the United States afloat during times of crisis.

4. A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene H. Peterson

This book answered two of my most urgent questions after I stepped down from my service as Lingkod QC's BWM: 1)What's next?; and 2) Was it all worth it? By writing about his reflections on some of the most moving psalms in the bible, the author drives home this point succinctly: that discipleship is a life-long commitment and that there can be no joy without it.

5. Rise, Let Us Be On Our Way by Pope John Paul II

Easily my favorite religious figure for all time, JP II has written another book that is so simple in style yet so profound in meaning. This book narrates how JP II responded to his vocation and how he never looked back since giving his yes. My favorite line from the book: A young heart can understand the reckless love that is needed for total self-giving.

6. The Lexus and the Olive Tree by Thomas Friedman

This book is for people who want to understand globalization, world economics, power struggle and how the internet really works---all explained in less than 500 pages. Written in a language that's so easy to understand and filled with useful information about how our world operates like a well-oiled machine, this is the book I often carry with me when I just want to kill time and be productive at the same time.

7. When God Tells You to Rest by Flor Ulan-Taylor

Written by a missionary who suffered from tremendous stress, this book made me realize that though I was tired after I stepped down from service, I was really miles away from experiencing actual burn-out. It's for people who are still raring to serve but unfortunately feel that there's not enough of them to go around anymore. I'm so relieved to know that I'm not one of them. At least not yet.


8. Prayer and Common Sense by Thomas Green, SJ

I loved this book if only because it affirmed by belief that prayer and common sense go together because we are, after all, serving a practical God. My most significant learning from this book: God is sensible. Our call to be holy, to be like God, is essentially a call to be people of good sense.

9. 50 Kwentong Ginto ng 50 Batikang Kwentista

This is a compilation of short stories written in Filipino by the country's known writers during the post-war era. The stories are simple and reflective of filipino life as our grandparents probably knew it. Reading the book was like reading what your life could have been if imperialism never happened. I bought this book in my attempt to be well-versed in Filipino. I realized, though, that I have much to learn. Still, I was convinced that nothing beats good Filipino literature.

10. Here and Now by Henri Nouwen

The very name of the author should speak for the book. How Nouwen can write so profoundly on simple topics and make them all go together amazes me. I discovered Nouwen in college through my mom who has a collection of his books. After reading this one, I still say that if there's one thing that God and Nouwen have in common, it's the fact that they never disappoint.

11. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

If you loved the movie, I recommend that you read the book only if you can take more depressing thoughts than the film evoked. It's one thing to see the characters suffer, it's another thing to enter into their thoughts in the midst of their sufferings. I sometimes enjoy tragic stories but definitely not this kind. Not even the happy ending, nor the oft-quoted line from the film (There is a way to be good again) could compensate for the sadness associated with reading the book. So read it only if you want real life tragedy. Because this is as tragic as life can get.

12. The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls

Just when you think there's nothing more to write about dysfunctional families, along comes this book.
i haven't finished reading it yet so I'm holding my opinion in abeyance, except to say that this book is a good reminder that it doesn't take a dysfunctional family to bring out the worst, or sometimes, the best in people.

13. Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: 30 Things You Need to Know Now by Gordon Livingston, MD

This book is a compilation of essays about life written by a psychiatrist who happens to be a Vietnam war veteran and a parent twice bereaved. Save for the fact that he sounds agnostic sometimes, Livingston has the capacity to enlighten if only because his thoughts are so practical and in-your-face that you'd wonder why you never had the same perspective before. In plain but thought-provoking terms, Livingston instructs us that only bad things happen quickly, that happiness is the ultimate risk,and that any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least. I may not agree with some of his suggestions (e.g., that for Eve, finding Adam was worth losing the garden) but I still consider his work worth quoting if only for its fresh take on life. Livingston reminds me of Robert Fulghum, back in the day when the latter's words were not yet cliche.

14. The Sacrament of the Present Moment by Jean Pierre de Caussade

This book which is a translation of the author's original work Self Abandonment to Divine Providence instructs us on the real meaning of heeding God's will. Sans the original text's fiery translation, this book is more down-to-earth and thus, more capable of being understood by ordinary people. The book spoke to my heart, as I was able to resonate with statements such as: “Even if God intends to limit our faculties, He never limits our good intentions” and “ God instructs the heart not through ideas but through sufferings and adversities.” It is from this book where I got my most recent realization about service: God is not making impossible demands on our souls. He only asks that their good intentions be united to His so that He may lead, guide and reward them accordingly.It's amazing how a book worth P189.00 can change one's life. But then, don't take my word for it. Read the book and be transformed.

BEAUTY AND THE TRUTH

We Christian women have been taught that God has created us beautiful. We hear talks from good speakers about this topic. We read the bible and become convinced that it's true. We talk to godly people about beauty and end up feeling good about ourselves. We read books about the real meaning of beauty and wake up the following morning with renewed confidence.

But there are nights like this.

And if you're like me, you probably have plenty of nights like this.

I have ceased blaming other people for my poor self-image. I agree with the writer who said that the statute of limitations has prescribed on our childhood issues. More than a year ago, I had a major breakthrough in this area, thanks to my friend Bambi who told me that “though the ocean may overwhelm us with its beauty, the river has its own charm.” A month after she told me this, we took a trip to Bohol and understood what she meant when I saw the calm and beautiful Loboc river.

And yet,there are still nights like this.

So I take refuge in God's words which remain true no matter how many blemishes I have on my face, or how much I weigh, or how often I have a bad hair day:

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, O Lord” --- Psalm 139:13-14

And just like that, I begin to feel better.

THE HEART OF WORSHIP

I'm writing this three days after giving a talk to around fifty young adults from Ella's parish in Don Enrique. While giving talks is one of the things I truly enjoy ( I consider it as one of the perks of my service), I was particularly nervous about this one because I knew I would be speaking to people who are probably half my age. To make it more difficult for me, I was asked to speak about the power of the Holy Spirit--- a topic I've always found hard to explain even to people my age. But since I couldn't say no to Ella and I didn't want to let go of the opportunity to serve these kids, I agreed to give the talk and just hoped that the power of the Holy Spirit would take over the moment I stand in front of my audience. That morning, I prayed that these kids will be blessed through my talk and that they will get to experience the Holy
Spirit powerfully through God's words as spoken through me. As it turned out, God was about to exceed my expectations.

An incident happened in McDo while I was waiting for Ella to pick me up. Because the details are too personal, I refrain from sharing them here. Suffice it to say that such incident awakened my heart to certain personal issues that I haven't confronted for so long. But since I was about to give a talk and I didn't want to be distracted, I decided to momentarily set aside those issues.
What I didn't know was that God was planning to minister to me that day. Since I know from experience that when God starts a conversation, He wants our full attention even if we're in the middle of something important, I decided to yield to the Spirit by totally immersing myself in the morning worship. I prepared my heart for another encounter with God and true enough, He did not disappoint. In fact, He opened my eyes to a disturbing reality about my relationship with Him. While worshipping, one of the young participants in front of me raised his hand and worshipped the Lord as if worshipping Him was the only thing that mattered at that particular moment. Upon seeing this, I couldn't stop myself from crying. For, watching this young man raise his hand in total abandon, I heard God telling me: "Gay, why can't you be like that? Why can't you simply worship and believe?"

For someone who has been worshipping for the past fifteen years of her life-- indeed, for someone who has made worship a way of life---these words struck a raw nerve. I was led to ask myself what I have been doing all this time. Have I been worshipping with my heart turned to the Lord? Do I trust in the character of the God whom I proclaim as faithful and majestic? And more to the point, do I truly believe in the love of the God I worship?

I don't know how I was able to give the talk with all these questions in my head. Later that day, I attended a meeting and had a one-to-one with a sister from Lingkod with these distrubing questions in my mind. I prayed that night and realized that because of my disappointments, because of my past hurts and simply because I'm jaded, I haven't given the Lord the trust that He deserves. I cried all the more when I remembered how trusting I used to be and how, as a young Christian, I never doubted His love. When I was in CYA Law, Bobby (our prayer meeting leader at that time) used to say: "Mawala na ang lahat ng nangako sayo, pero ang Panginoon, hindi mawawala kahit kailan." I remembered how easy it was to believe those words when my primary concern was to pass an exam and my day-to-day worries consisted of not being called for recitation and being able to finish all my case assignments. But now that I fear for so many things---my parents' health, my uncertain career, my major service and other pressing concerns--- it has become so hard to simply believe. What I'm realizing, however, especially after last Saturday's experience, is that God's invitation remains the same: to worship and to simply believe.

To be honest, I don't know how and where to start. But even that is not really up to me. For as God has promised in Ezekiel, He will take away my heart of stone and give me a new heart. Only then, I know, will I be able to go back to the heart of worship.