STARING AT MY OWN WALL

I watched Randy Pausch's last lecture (through Maye's multiply) a week ago and something that he said really stayed with me. He said: The walls are there in front of us, not to block our way but to remind us how badly we want something.

It stirred me because what he said was something I partly agree and partly disagree with.

I totally agree that walls are there for a reason. As to what reason that may be, however, is one thing that calls for a lot of deliberation. My take is that some walls are there to challenge us, and thus, as Pausch puts it, to remind us how badly we need something. Sadly, however, some walls are there to serve the one purpose that walls are built for: to block our way. Not to challenge us, but to tell us loud and clear that what's behind it is off-limits.

The context in which I'm saying these things is the one giant, immovable wall that I've been staring at for quite some time now---one that I sometimes look at merely from afar. Should I climb over it? And if I do, would I regret it in the end? Would it be worth climbing? And, will I like what I'd find on the other side?

The value of the speaker's statement is that it gave me a framework with which to evaluate my predicament: Is this wall a reminder of how I want this thing badly or is it there to tell me precisely that this is a dead-end?

I don't know. All I know is that as walls go, this one is specifically hard to climb and should I decide to climb and bruise myself in the process, it shall leave its own special scar that might take forever to heal. And yet, part of me is hoping that this is just a temporary block that I need not even climb right now but that will soon collapse by itself because some mighty force will command it to, one fine day.

In the end, I haven't resolved anything just yet. So for now, I shall apply by analogy what one wise priest once said: LOVE TRUMPS ALL LAWS. Perhaps, this too, applies to walls.

THE ONE

I'm watching Boston Legal again. This show, for all its objectionable points of view, is nonetheless worth watching if only for its ability to drive home points that are close to home.

The episode I saw last night was the one where Denny Crane was telling Alan Shore that for him, Shirley Schmidt (his law firm partner and ex-girlfriend) was still "The One." "All these years and there your are, still believing in The One," Alan remarked. "Love is an ugly business, " Denny replied. "And yet, it's what we live for," said Alan.

The conversation took place at Denny Crane's office balcony where the show's episodes usually end. But it could have very well been me and my law school friend Kat (who, incidentally, has found the person she thinks is The One) conversing in our school dorm, with her as Denny and me as Alan.

You see, after all these years, I've stopped believing in The One. And I say this, not out of bitterness but out of the realization that this whole concept of finding the one or of being the one is so overrated.

Call me unromantic; pessimistic, even. But this is what I believe in: I believe in discernment and in listing down your essentials in a person and in determining which of those traits in your list are non-negotiable. I believe in considering a person, not because of how he makes you feel but how, in the scheme of things, you two can build a good christian family. I believe that love is a decision and that the feelings will follow once you are convinced that your choice is right. I believe that though all of this might sound too devoid of human emotions, it has worked for most people I know. And in an era where court dockets are clogged with annulment cases (I, for one, have decided quite a number) perhaps even more than collection cases, what people need is something that works, instead something that will simply make them feel good momentarily.

So Denny Crane could pine for Shirley all he wants but I'm concurring with Alan Shore. Come to think of it, Ally Mc Beal had the same philosophy as Denny with respect to the love of her life, Billy. Look at how that one turned out.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

I was at Powerbooks yesterday, holding the last copy of the book The Mermaid Chair, contemplating whether it was worth buying even if the cover was already torn and the pages were creased, when my friend arrived and told me she'd buy it for me. I asked why and she said, "Because Gay, you've never asked me for anything in our 18 years of friendship!" And it occurred to me how right she was. To think she's one of my closest friends.

Which made me think: perhaps I've been like this as well with God. Because come to think of it, when was the last time I asked Him for something really major? When was the last time I begged Him for something and trusted Him to listen? And despite that, I have just recently been a recipient of His favors.

So I've resolved to start asking Him again for big, life-altering blessings. He is, after all, a God who grants not only what we need but also what we want. I should remind myself of this truth more often.

THE CASE FOR PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP

ISSUE: Whether or not platonic friendship is possible

HELD: YES

RATIO: Because when two mature people are capable of being bigger than themselves, falling in love with each other does not always have to be part of the equation.

I'm writing this because I recently watched the movie Definitely Maybe which left me thinking about platonic friendships and how they are really supposed to end. While the film has its own merits, as it's a story about love and second chances and the hope of getting what you truly long for no matter how circuitous the road may be, I was disappointed with the way it tackled the concepts of friendship and love.

Not that I don't believe in friendships turning into love affairs. Cases in point: Monica and Chandler of Friends, Harry and Sally of When Harry Met Sally, Joey and Pacey of Dawson's Creek, Joe and Kathleen of You've Got Mail, and, sorry but this has to be on my list, Peachy and Joaqs of TGIS.

But you have to agree with me that there's so much beauty and promise in friends simply remaining as such. My Best Friend's Wedding, for instance, has the best ending as far as love stories go. It's realistic, honest, sad yet hopeful. It proves that friendship can be just friendship and that your friend's happy ending does not necessarily have to be yours. It shows what tragic things can happen when you stop guarding your heart and base your actions simply on how you feel. It explains why sometimes, the best way to love a friend is to forget yourself, step aside and let him know and decide what he really wants, once and for all.

I know all this because one of my best friends happens to be male. Although we haven't seen each other in a while (because he pursued a more lucrative career abroad), I know that he remains to be one of the few people who really gets me. And our friendship is really just pure friendship. No tension whatsoever. He walked with me through the most terrifying expriences of my life (which includes talking to a detainee inside a city jail for my first case as a law school intern), he was the first person who called me when I passed the bar, he accompanied me to my job interviews, drove me home whenever it was late and I couldn't find a cab, went with me on a pilgrimage and to other religious activities that my other friends did not want to go to; listened to my sob stories even when he found most of them pathetic and acted as my adviser on matters of the heart (although I never really followed any of his advice). In return, I made sure that his bills were paid on time when he studied abroad, befriended this girl she used to like, ran his last-minute errands, and pretended to be an urgent caller every time he needed an escape plan.

This is why I have issues when it comes to love stories where best friends end up with each other. I know from experience that that shouldn't always be the case. Our other friend Kat would attest to this, although she would also be the first to say that our friendship was an exception. But that's precisely what I'm saying: that there is an exception. And once you find it, you should know better than to fall into the "When Harry Met Sally" school of thought. Because not everyone can be Monica and Chandler. And for us who live in the real world, pure friendship minus the complications is definitely better.

IN OUR DEFENSE

So much has been said and written about the most recent controversy involving the Court of Appeals. Just this morning, a lawyer-friend texted me about it to ask if the recent update she's been hearing in the legal circles is true. I replied that aside from what we read and hear in the news, I don't have any other inside information to impart.

But this much I know is true: there are a lot of good, honest, hard-working, noble justices and lawyers in the CA who simply want to do their job and dispense justice without fear or favor. Among the cases being decided by this office, perhaps only 2 out of 10 are controversial and even then, we quietly do our work, unmindful of what the parties or the public would say. Which is why I find it rather unfair for the media to brand the CA as an office riddled with corruption. It's unfair for them to paint a picture of justices seeking out bribes when the truth of the matter is that no case for bribery has been proven, let alone, tried by the proper forum. It's unfair for them to generalize and say that cases can be bought here without citing any factual basis for such generalization. It's unfair for them to suggest that every single person in the government will easily give in to every offer of bribery that comes his way.

When I started working for the government, I took a pay cut and consequently had to drastically change my lifestyle. It was difficult but I still do not regret this decision even to this day. Because here, finally, is a job i can be proud of. Here, finally is a job where I get to be a christian lawyer and be commended for it. Here, finally, is a job where I can make a contribution to the society, never mind if I do it sans the power suit and the fancy dinner meetings and the high-profile clients and the promise of a comfortable future.

So the last thing I can tolerate is the insinuation that the institution I'm working for is nothing but a TRO mill. Because even assuming without conceding that there may be a few rotten eggs in this office, the vast majority of those who work for the CA are really honest and dedicated, albeit underpaid public servants. And this goes true, even for the justices whose names have been unfortunately dragged to various controversies in the past. I know because I see them at work everyday. I know because in my three years in this office, nobody has ever dared to dictate or impose upon me how a particular case should be decided.

It is indeed unfortunate that while we in Court try our best to decide cases based solely on the merits and on the rules, what We are up against is trial by publicity where no rules apply, and where judgment comes even before due process is observed. But for whatever it's worth, I'm writing about this not only to defend my office but also to assure those who would care to believe that despite what the media suggests, justice still means something in this country. And that there are still people who will make sure that it stays that way.

MARK THIS DAY

Every once in a while. something unexpected and extremely wonderful happens.

It makes you think that God must really be smiling down on you; that all the days of pining and wishful thinking are over; that all of your disappointments in the past could be forgotten after all; that life can really be beautiful; that your time has finally come.

You realize that the one thing you've been asking for has already happened and that more extraordinary things are still bound to unfold.

Your heart leaps, your mind soars, your eyes weep, and your hands are lifted in praise.

And when this happens, the only thing you find yourself saying is, "Thank you God for loving me this way, this much!"

HESUS NG AKING BUHAY

HESUS NG AKING BUHAY

By: Arnel dC. Aquino, SJ

Sikat ng umaga, buhos ng ulan,simoy ng dapit hapon, sinag ng buwan;
batis na malinaw, dagat na bughaw.
Gayon ang Panginoon kong Hesus ng aking buhay.

Koro:
Saan man ako bumaling, Ika'y naroon,tumalikod man sa 'Yo,
dakilang pag-ibig Mo sa akin tatawag at magpapaalalang
ako'y iyong ginigiliw at siyang itatapat sa puso.

Tinig ng kaibigan, oyayi ng ina pangarap ng ulila,
bisig ng dukha ilaw ng may takot, ginhawa ng aba
Gayon ang Panginoon kong Hesus ng aking buhay

Saan man ako bumaling, Ika'y naroon,tumalikod man sa 'Yo,
dakilang pag-ibig Mo sa akin tatawag at magpapaalalang
ako'y iyong ginigiliw at siyang itatapat sa puso.


(Rommel sang this during Marlon and Imee's wedding last Friday. We kidded him that among the original Lingkod QC wedding singers, sya na lang ang hindi pa nag-career change , as Karreen is now a photographer and Ella is now a lector/ commentator and all the rest have retired. But he did give a good rendition and it was nice to hear him again)

CINDERELLA

This is not a review of the play because there's really nothing one can say about a fairy tale such as Cinderella. As for the performances, I refrain from making a comment because my being a huge Lea Salonga fan disqualifies me from saying anything objective. I must state, however, that I loved the play if only for a particular scene with which I was able to resonate deeply.

I'm referring to the scene where Cinderella heard the news that the prince was having a ball. There she was, in her old, worn-out, tattered clothes, being handed the invitation to the ball by the herald, being told that something important and special was about to happen, and wondering, with much anticipation, but with loads of doubt, whether this could have anything to do with her. There was excitement in her voice and a spring in her step even as her mind could not comprehend how such a wonderful thing can happen to someone so ordinary.

Watching this scene, I couldn't help but think of the many times the exact same thing has happened to me. How many times have I prayed and heard a favorable response from God but still doubted and hesitated if it was really meant for me? How many times have I been invited to partake of His blessings and still found myself asking, 'Could this be for real? Could I be the one?' How many times have I witnessed His greatness and still had the temerity to ask, 'Could it really be possible? Could I really be part of something this beautiful?' How many times have I denied the hope in my heart because I was too afraid to trust? And how many times has He proven me wrong every time I would insist that I am not a worthy recipient of His favors or that I will never be good enough to deserve His blessings?


For reasons that should be obvious to people who are close to me, Cinderella is the last character in the world I could possibly identify with. I once attended a retreat where the speaker asked us to name the fairy tale character we can identify with the most and I remember saying that even as a child, I've always been fascinated with the feisty, no-nonsense Little Red Riding Hood. My group mates chided me and told me that's not even a fairy tale! To that, I curtly replied:"Precisely."

Tonight, however, I realized that no matter how old or jaded you are, no matter how much you can claim that you've seen the worst in this world and no fairy tale can change the way you view things, no matter how bitter, indifferent or incapable you have become of dreaming and wishing for good things to happen, there will always be a part of you that cannot deny HOPE. Because you know that notwithstanding your resentments and apparent unworthiness, there's no escaping God's love. And His invitation isn't too good to be true but, as others would put it, too good to be false.

So yes, there's really nothing much to say about a story lke Cinderella, except that it has made me aware that when God sends out an invitation to be part of something beautiful, it is His way of reminding me that He has made me worthy and that He will never be outdone in His generosity. So now I can say with much conviction: The Lord is my portion and my cup. He has made my lot secure. Surely, my boundaries have fallen in all the right places.

I SURRENDER

I attended Lingkod Alabang's prayer meeting last Friday and went home with this profound truth I heard from the night's speaker: THE MEASURE OF YOUR SUCCESS IS THE AMOUNT OF YOUR SURRENDER.

Very well said.

In response, I say: LORD, TEACH ME HOW.

LOST IN LOVE

I never liked the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle in Lost but I must admit, this scene did move me. Imagine being asked under oath whether you love a person when you never admitted it to him/her, let alone to yourself!!! Confronted with the same question, I would probably answer the same way Jack did. After all, when it comes to matters of the heart, it's pretty hard to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God. ;)